Achilles wins again!

 

Today I returned to work for the first time in three months.  On May 28^th 2010 I tore my Achilles tendon, (Yes, once again “Hector” was taken down by “Achilles”.)   A few weeks after the accident I had surgery and I had been out of work until now.   

 My time at home was an extremely revealing and introspective experience.   At first it took a while to get use to the fact that I was not working.  I liked my job and I did not expect to be out for so long.  I have had the same job for 11 years.  With the exception of a few holidays, vacations, and the rare day off due to sickness, for over a decade my weekdays have been quite predictable.  Wake up make breakfast, get my kid to school, go off to work, come back , pick up my kid, watch a bit of TV, eat something, watch a bit more TV, put my kid to bed, go to sleep, wake up, do it all over again. 

 All that changed after I got into an accident participating in event held at the employee Memorial Day Barbeque, at my job.  I completely tore my Achilles tendon.  I didn’t even know you could do that!   Rupturing your Achilles is a strange thing.

 Some people have described it as feeling like they got hit on the Achilles with a bat.  I didn’t know exactly what happened to me but instinctively, I knew I would not be able to put my foot back down on the ground again.  A couple of guys drove me to the Emergency Room and that was the very first time I ever heard the term Achilles Rupture. 

 When my Doctor told me that at best I might regain 80% of the strength I had in my foot before, I was incredulous to say the least.  I immediately went online, (yes Google!) and began to look for stories of people who came back from this kind of injury to do even greater things than they had ever done before. 

 Unfortunately I could find none.    Every athlete this had happened to either had to retire or was not the same ever again. Even the blogs of “regular people” this also happened to were not very reassuring.  On top of all these things I had to struggle with the decision of either having an operation or trying to let it heal on its own.  That was a nightmare all by itself.  It’s almost impossible to find a consensus online.  

 I started feeling bad about how the accident happened in the first place.   During the employee Barbeque I mentioned before, some of us went into a room with old wooden floors to play a team building game.  In the middle of the exercise I felt a snap in my foot. Initially I thought one of the old boards must have given out on me.  When I saw the floor was ok I thought something must have fallen on my foot. 

 When I could find no serious cause for my injury, I figured it was just a horrible and unfortunate freak accident that could only occur to an out of shape and clumsy dope like me. You see my accident did not happen as a result of jumping or even trying to do anything particularly athletic. I simply planted my foot and tried to run forward and that’s when it happened.

 As I was doing my searches on Achilles tendon ruptures I came across the most famous and recent Achilles tendon tear caught on tape.  David Beckham the famous soccer player also ruptured his Achilles tendon this year.  ).     

 When I saw the video of David Beckham, my attitude completely changed.  It was reassuring to see how the same thing happened to him.  Obviously I was not happy that he got hurt (that would be evil) but seeing an amazing athlete like him get hurt in the exact same way I did, was in some weird way, very comforting.   This didn’t happen because I was a “clumsy dope”, this could happen to anyone.  In regards to Beckham, except for the soccer part, my tear occurred just like his.  Note how he looks back to see if something just struck him.   

  Now I am nowhere near being a professional athlete and though this was not a catastrophic, career ending, accident, I was still concerned for my athletic future.  Over the last few years I had been putting off getting in shape because I was so busy at work and I thought I had forever to get serious about “working out”.   

 I’m only 32 years old so I figured I have plenty of time to “Just do it”.   Now I find myself desperate to just walk normally again.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get to run that marathon I’ve always wanted to sign up for, but I do know this,  as a result of this accident, I have developed a new perspective on my body and how I’ll take care of it.  How I eat, exercise, and play around, has forever been changed by this one injury.

A few weeks ago I started making plans for a new diet, a new exercise plan, a new way of life.  I was going to watch less TV, spend more time praying and get really  involved with God. However as soon as I thought I got things in order things changed again.

 About a week ago my Doctor decided I could put down my crutches and start walking with a boot on.  Before this I kept pushing my Doctor to let me go back to work, but not so much in this last month.  My Doctor had told me I would be out for about six months since my job did not have light duty.  I decided to plan my life around that time table. 

But  my employer had different plans, they  recently decided we do have light duty (how convenient for me!)  As a result my Doctor decided that as long as I can sit down for the greater part of the day,  ice my leg when I need to, and limit my walking to only when absolutely necessary,  I was cleared for work.

  So as I mentioned earlier I returned back to today.  But instead of being excited about getting back to my routines and doing my job again, I was depressed.  Instead of being excited to get out of my house, instead of being enthusiastic about being able to walk again, I started getting down on myself again and I couldn’t figure out why.  

 After having my very beautiful and very direct wife confront me with why I wasn’t overjoyed about returning to my job, the answer finally hit me. (I’m sure the fact that she gave birth to our child a week before I had my operation had her a bit concerned about my lack of desire to bring home the bacon, “turkey bacon” that is, were not big on pork.)  

 Since I had promised myself I would get back to the things I enjoyed doing and I would spend my time devoted to sharpening my mind and being committing  to the passions I had prior to my career taking over my life, I felt as if I was betraying myself.  

 While I was off, I began reading the Bible more as well as other books again.   I began to write everyday, I even developed a 10 minute stand up comedy act that I intended to perform at some armature club (that’s been a life long dream since I was a kid).   I also started this humble little Blog that I confess has brought me more joy than any other hobby I have participated in throughout my life.  I was finally starting to do all the things I always talked about doing but couldn’t find the time for. 

 I developed a closer relationship with my wife and  children.  I re-connected with old friends and strengthened relationships with my parents, siblings, and in-laws. I even began to think up new and creative ways to improve my department at work when I returned.  

 And since I was receiving a check every week I felt a bit as if I was living the life I imagined I would live if I were rich and “didn’t have to” work anymore.  I had  found renewed energy and fresh excitement for life.  I had the freedom to devote my attentions to things that made me happy and now all that would have to end. 

 Being home from work I found that my mind needed some kind of substitute.  I could not just let my brain go lazy like I had allowed my body to do over the last year or two.  So I started to be creative  on my own terms, not like work where I was  restricted by the parameters of my job description.  But with my work responsibilities back on my plate I would no longer have the extra time for my own projects. 

 Now don’t get me wrong I do find enjoyment in my job and I  looked forward to returning, I just thought I would return when I accomplished all my little dreams :-}.   I didn’t think it would be hard to achieve them all since I was having so much fun getting started.  At home I found out that when I am free to concentrate on subjects and topics that truly thrill and excite my passions I don’t get as tired as I do at work. I’m sure that’s the same for all of us. 

Right when I started to remember how much I enjoyed reading and writing for pleasure I have to stop, maybe not completely but I definately won’t be able to do it as much as I would like.  That’s sad because when I do it for me it doesn’t feel like a chore. I get so excited when I look up a new picture or some video for one of my blogs that I feel like a kid again. 

 Unfortunately I don’t think I can make a living out of my passions.  So my time, my resources, and my priorities must now focus on what pays the bills. 

(What would you do if you could make a living doing what you love?)

 I am sure some people get to live thier dreams out and get paid very well for doing so but this does not seem to be my specific path in life.  It seems that I am a man destined for structure and strict supervision.  I wish I could do both my job and still devote as much time as I want to the things I love.  

 Unfortunately though, I can not have my cake and eat it too, almost no one can.  Something must give and my return to work today represented a sort of surrender to the fact that I can not live a life devoted to the things I love.

 That is the privilege of either the rich, those who lack responsibility, or those who just don’t care anymore.  For the rest of us we must if not completely, at least in a great sense, set aside our passions for the practicality of life.